$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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