I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
