I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
