in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
