God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
