oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Welp...herpes.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
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