Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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