he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
they need to just BURY HIM!
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
