she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
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she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
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The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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