my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
