I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
