Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
