I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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