You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
