does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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