I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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