She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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