Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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