when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
That's when you crack a 10am beer
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Actions speak louder than pants.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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