I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
