Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
