I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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