she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
