a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
When did we convert life to cartoon?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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