I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
