He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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