I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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