Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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