she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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