My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
