At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
