There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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