Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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