Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
