Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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