Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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