ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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