Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
