I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
