You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
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Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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