a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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