I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
