did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
