Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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