I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
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Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
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The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
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