my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
