Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
