She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
