My friends, they love my intelligence
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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