how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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