Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
