In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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