Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
how does that bad decision feel?
where are my eyebrows?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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