dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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