Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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